Remembering

Dear Mom

It’s been a year since you left us. What is it about dates that make it all feel fresh and open again?
I have missed you a lot this year, even though before your change of address (I hate the word death; it feels so mournful and final. If death has lost its sting, why does the word still sound so hateful?) Even though before your transfer, much of who you are was hidden by illness. I saw an older man and woman in church yesterday. They had their Bibles open on their laps. The man was singing along and swaying with the music, contemporary music though it was. A woman was next to them (perhaps their daughter?), ever attentive to the older woman, helping her up and down at the appropriate times. They enjoyed the service. How I wished that you and Dad could still do that! I felt a twinge of unholy jealousy that this woman still had her mom and dad. I could feel tears welling in my eyes and knew I had to shift my thoughts quickly lest my emotions grow beyond my control. My mind began to wander to what might have been. As we sang about how God can move mountains, I had to remind myself that though He could do anything, in our case, He had chosen not to bring healing, but to bring grace in the valley. And that He did. And it was enough. It was enough, not because I can see His way is better. It was enough because even though I cannot see that His way is best, I am the little child who trusts my Father, even when I cannot understand. I have found myself often trying to look at life through your eyes this year. As I delight in my precious grandchildren, I imagine your excitement when you knew your grandchildren were coming to see you. As I marvel at the grace and maturity of my grown daughters, and know that I could not have made them so, I wonder did you look in wonder at your grown children, and know that God had done a work in us, as surely as when He created the stars. When I look at my husband of 30+ years, I am filled with gratitude, and I think, “Did Mom look at Dad and think the same thing?” And though you never said it in so many words, I know the answers to all those questions. We like to think that those who have gone on before us are watching the events on earth like the audience in a play, cheering for the victories and groaning with the defeats. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it is, I hope you also know how thankful I am that you are my mom!